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Monday, November 12, 2007
Darth: "Luke, I am your father" Luke: "Wow, that's almost as freaky as this one guy I heard about!"

Hey Heartun~ I am a male in RL who came to SL just to have fun. Minutes into
playing, i decided to throw away my male av and make a female one. i've
always been more in tune with my feelings, not gay, or even metrosexual,
just more in tune. in short, i wanted ppl to see me for who i was inside.
i SWRP (star wars role play) and while playing, i met THE most
wonderful person, another female av, and we got to know each other, and fell
in love.

i was so in love, i knew i had to tell her, even with the fear
that she might not want me. i finally worked up the courage, and when i
told her, she revealed to me that she also is a male in RL. i've got
to tell you, this hit me like a brick wall. but, it took me only moments
to realize that i loved her before, i could love him now. as i said
before, i've never seen myself as gay, i've never so much as thought of
myself as bi-curious. it is only recently that i have come to look at
myself as bi, through the help of a friend who has taught me to
accept myself for what i am, although i could never, ever see myself
with a guy other than this one. we still have female av's, and continue
living as lesbians, we're even engaged in SL. i'm just not sure what i
should do. i mean, when we first told each other, we thought we'd just
keep it in SL, but i have come to realize, that i love her/him so much.

i guess that i really am bi. umm... help? ~Confuzzled


Dear Confuzzled~ Sounds like you've got a good handle on the situation. I don't see what the problem is. Have fun.

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posted by Heartun Breaker @ 3:45 PM   0 comments
Three on a whip?

HEY HEARTUN: I'm the female partner in a 'triangular' relationship involving The Mistress, her male sub and me. I really think that The Mistress and I have something spiritual, and that the sub is just a sex toy for her but he's been with The Mistress longer than I have. And lately when I'm fucking The Mistress, I get the impression that she's thinking of her sub some times. What do I do? ~ UNEQUAL PARTNER


DEAR UNEQUAL: A 'triangular' relationship is a complex one, and can only work if the sub and the partner (that's you!) of the mistress also have a mutual understanding of each other's needs and feelings. If either of them does not feel comfortable with the situation it wont work. A sub can be a sex toy who is just happy to make his or her mistress happy in any possible way and in return get affection. To some people its just fun roleplay, to others an erotic experience. Either way, even if you and Sub Dude are never great pals, you've got to talk with him frequently -- after all, you both share the love of your mistress.

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posted by Heartun Breaker @ 7:38 AM   0 comments
Take note! Second Life is NOT first life

HEY HEARTUN: I find that relationships on Second Life can be tricky when people want to tell you about their real life lives -- and ask about yours. How do I keep SL in SL and RL in RL? ~ BURNED IN SL

DEAR BURNED: That's what the "My Notes" section of other people's Profiles is for. You keep track of all the lies you tell them about yourself in that section. I am assured by Linden Labs that they will not be able to access this information, so you will always be able to keep track of your lies. And use Google Images to find a picture of someone hotter than your fat, old, married self that you can pretend to be in your First Life section -- then all you have to do is create a series of gestures conveying how interested you are in what they say about their alleged "Real" lives and you are set. If something goes wrong, just Mute that person and find another.

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posted by Heartun Breaker @ 6:59 AM   1 comments
Sunday, August 26, 2007
All In The Family

Hey Heartun~ Recently I caught my Second Life girlfriend getting some poseball loving from my real life Dad (on his SL account)... they didn't see me, and I haven't confronted them yet. It happened at the skybox we share, and they were going at it like rabbits...all lovey-dovey etc. I always knew my lover was bisexual, but this is a shock! (I'm a girl)


What should I do? ~ Daddy's Lil Girl



Dear Daddy's Lil Girl~ What you SHOULD do is get out of Dodge, both in real life and the second one. Join the Army and go see the beautiful Mideast. Too dangerous, you say? Not compared to living with a man who will kipe on your main squeeze. If he'll do that, he'll do anything. And don't think he isn't fantasizing about you while he does the 'squeeky squeeky' with your purdy purdy pet. I mean, if he just wanted a little side action he could hang out in Ravenglass for a while or stroll through Fuscia.

He didn't do that. He went after someone close to you because he hasn't worked up the nerve to go after you yet.

As for the girl friend... you'll find another in the Green Zone.

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posted by Heartun Breaker @ 5:56 PM   0 comments
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Parlez Vous a '^^Vv^Hooooowwwwllllzzz^vV^^?'

HEY HEARTUN: (Note: This question came in Spanish and was translated by Altavista Babelfish) I played the Second Life by two days and does not speak English good. I am Hairy. I play the Fox. How do I solve chickens hot you? ~ CHILI CON FURRY

DEAR CHILI: No speak-ah da English? No problemo! You can 'solve' those hot chicks in your new Fox avatar by saying as little as possible. Learn and use emoticons like :D, :P and ( * ) ( * ) and those pleasantly plush pullets will be pecking at your pelt! And be sure to say "Yif" and "Yaffle" a lot as well as get that ^^Vv^ Hoooowlzzz ^vV^^ gesture from some other Furry so you can spam the hell out of Second Life all the time. Furry females love that. It'll be months before they realize you don't speak English.

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posted by Heartun Breaker @ 8:05 PM   0 comments
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Girl Teaches Boy New Trick - Then Feels Disgusted

HEY HEARTUN~ I love my boyfriend, and sex with him was great from the start. One day while we were drunk I stupidly asked him if I could borrow his PlaySexy Cock. Well, now he likes me to strap on his cock and fuck him up the ass all the time. Freaks me out! Is he gay? ~ PANDORA'S BOX

DEAR PANDORA ~ No, he's not gay. He just likes it when you strap on his cock and fuck him up the ass. There's nothing wrong with that. The problem here is that while the action may have been fun and games once, or once in a while, it appears to be a kink meal you served him that he wants a steady diet of -- and its not to your taste. Let him know that you don't want to do that all the time. Tell him that you'd like to get fucked with that cock once in a while too. Be careful, because he obviously likes having you shove his cock up his ass -- and since he's straight he know's its freaky. Don't show your intolerance or you'll embarras him. Then again, if you really can't stand playing the transexual once in a while break this relationship off a.s.a.p. While his appetite may ebb and flow with time, if you ain't fucking him up the ass once in a while he will eventually find someone who will. ~HEARTUN BREAKER

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posted by Heartun Breaker @ 5:26 PM   2 comments
Saturday, August 4, 2007
Jilted Lesbo Fears Cycle of Tears; Longs For 'Drag King'

HEY HEARTUN~ I recently broke up with my long term girlfriend. Me and her were like family and I know we're supposed to be together, however dumb that sounds. I know if someone told me that, I'd say 'get over it.' I'm sort of in a place where I don't want to be in a relationship but I still want companionship, you know? I have two big concerns. First, I don't want to fall into the rut of dating within the same circle of friends. It seems like all the lesbians I know have dated each other and I don't want to do that. Secondly, I don't know if I should take the time to explore my lesbianism. I accepted my sexuality rather late so I haven't had too many girlfriends (RL or SL). She's bisexual, and has a lot of maturing to do alone to find out who she is. I seem to always fall for the bisexuals or abusers. Anyway, I am attracted very much to drag kings and the old-school style lesbians, but I'm always too scared to approach them. ~ ALL OUT OF LOVE

DEAR ALL OUT OF LOVE~ Wow. You seem all over the map, emotionally! Lets take these issues one at a time, and lets start where you want to go rather than where you've been. Famous New York drag king Moe B. Dick says there are four kinds of lesbians who dress like men: the cross-dresser, the butch dyke, the male impersonator and the drag king.




The thing that distinguishes the drag king from the male impersonator is that the male impersonator is trying to look like a specific person -- like Kerry Grant, James Dean or Brad Pitt -- while the drag king dresses as a man type, like cowboy, welder, businessman. The difference between a drag king and a cross dresser -- who also wears mens clothing -- is that the drag king has a touch of humor in her approach.

So something in the drag king scares you away, and you end up with bisexuals or abusive women. You need to get over your fear of rejection. You're settling for lovers who have obvious flaws (for you) so that their ultimate rejection carries less impact. You sound like you are shying away from the drag king you want because you fear her rejection, and you don't want your idealized version of them shattered by reality. They're people too. You've got to take a risk and break out of the relationship rut you have so aptly identified. That said, your fear of dating the same people from your social circule is a valid one. Time to take risks and find a new social circle. That's scary too, but its the only thing you can do to break the cycle. Taking the socially comfortable route will only lead you to more of the same pain. ~ HEARTUN

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posted by Heartun Breaker @ 11:56 PM   0 comments
Thursday, August 2, 2007
No 'Third Life' For You

HEY HEARTUN~ How do I manage a personal life with a wife, three kids and Second Life? ~ NEED A THIRD LIFE

DEAR NEED~ I'm sorry, but there will be no 'third' life for you. What's more, from the sounds of things your first life is about to get a lot less complicated. My advice to you is to run up your credit cards by upgrading your computer. Even better, have some custom game box builder make you a dream machine with a dual core processor, loads of RAM, dual graphics cards, a huge flat screen or two and all the software you ever wanted. Dont worry about the cost, just slap it on the cards.

You'll have to declare bankruptcy after your wife takes the kids far away from you and serves you with divorce papers anyway. Thank goodness your friends in Second Life won't abandon you like that. ~HEARTUN

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posted by Heartun Breaker @ 11:29 PM   0 comments
Monday, July 30, 2007
Find Inner Whore or Say 'Bye' to Gor

HEY HEARTUN~ I'm new to Second Life but not to Role Playing. I've heard about Gor, but haven't read the books but based on what I hear I'm very intrigued by the idea of totally submitting to a Master (blushes) and sharing Him with several Sisters. The thing is I'm worried about what to do if porn is involved. It will need to be soft -- very soft porn -- I dislike hard core stuff. What should I do if my Master is into hard core kink, but I'm already collered? ~ GOREAN GOOD GIRL

DEAR GOREAN: When you were in the back seat of your first RL boyfriend's Chevy, did you tell him to "Just stick in the tip"? Get off of it... if you're into 'total submission' like you say you are then you want someone to push your boundaries. Your question just tells me that you don't want to later have to admit to yourself that you are the whore you know you want to be. Embrace your inner whore, or stay out of Gor. There isn't a half-way approach to 'total submission' when you deal with those freaks.

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posted by Heartun Breaker @ 12:31 AM   2 comments
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
She Doesn't Like The Way I Eat Her


HEY HEARTUN~ I'm into vore but the kind of vore that tears and renders to eat my "dinner." Its an out of control animalistic thing and I don't know who I am when it happens. My "dinner" really taps into the passion within me. She makes me feel lusty, powerful, and free -- and I love her. But I'm a hard vore and she is a soft vore and I don't know that we can ever mix. In Second Life my fantasy comes to life and I can kill her over and over again but I know when I gorge myself to physical and sexual satiation she isn't getting off. She gets me off, and I know that she wants to be swallowed whole -- but when I see red I lose myself to my desires. In real life I get my woman off but in this world I get carried away with this fire that I can't control fully. What do I do? ~ Chew Swallow

DEAR CHEW SWALLOW~ Vore, the consumption of your partner for emotional and sexual satisfaction, is a fairly rare fetish. It sounds like you have a partner who enjoys being eaten and pleasing you as well but you are so wrapped up in your own kink you are neglecting her slightly (but significantly) different take on vore.

Time to be a man and just fake it. If mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy. Worse than that if you aren't giving her what she wants she will likely find someone who will. Be a good lover and trade off or start keeping copies of all your chat logs so you can review them after she ditches you.

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posted by Heartun Breaker @ 7:30 AM   0 comments
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Seven Stages of Surviving a Breakup

KIND READERS ~ Two long-time friends of mine who were the poster children for couples that actually do work in Second Life just broke up. Needless to say they are both heartbroken, as are their many friends for them. But they are both strong, good, people and will get through this -- whether together or apart -- to find happiness again.


Men and women go through seven stages following a breakup, but they do so in no particular order -- and they may linger or return to certain stages, as well as experience a couple stages at the same time. And those stages are different for each gender.

Men




  1. Anger:'That bitch!'
  2. Crying:(Most of this will happen outside of Second Life)
  3. Lethargy:'Thank goodness for cheap beer and free Internet porn or I'd never put down the remote.'
  4. Industry: 'Wow! I'm getting so much work done -- I can do anything!'
  5. Overindulgance: World of Warcraft, Grand Theft Auto, Madden, dumb young hotties (both real life, simulated and Girls Gone Wild)
  6. Acceptance: 'Oh well, that sucked -- but not a damned thing I can do about it now.'
  7. Redefinition of Self: 'What doesn't kill me makes me stronger -- I just hope I don't run across a woman who will kill me.'


Women




  1. Anger: 'That bastard!'
  2. Gluttony: 'Gimme ice cream and get me my fat clothes!'
  3. Claiming Mutual Friends: 'You and I are still friends, right?'
  4. Industry:'I've rediscovered shopping... and I am so good at it I'll save lots of money!'
  5. Overindulgance: 'Hey! Boys like me... and they don't know how much I hate all men so I can do what I want with them!'
  6. Acceptance: 'That bastard!'
  7. Redefinition of Self: 'I'm going to start that diet, paint my room and actually go to that yoga class!'

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posted by Heartun Breaker @ 7:58 PM   1 comments
Monday, June 11, 2007
The 'A,B,C's of Picking Up Dumb Chicks (redux)

HEY HEARTUN: I am new and have no money and my skin is ugly and my hair is ugly and my clothing is lame and I don't have no land and I don't get any women. Help me. ~ WANTIN SOME

DEAR WANTIN: The good news is that there is someone for everyone in Second Life. The bad news is, the woman you want may not be the woman who will settle for you. I can't fix you. I can, however, get you started on a road of fixing your self. Lets start with the easy stuff. Go to a Welcome Area, like in Ahern or Waterhead, and ask the people there (just once, or you are an annoying begger) if they have any freebies -- especially clothing, hair and a man skin. There are some nice male freebie skins, but you may have to ask around. That's it for the easy stuff. Next up, you jumble all your thoughts into one long stream. Dont do that. It confuses stupid women and is a turn off to the non-stupid. You need to target stupid women. To do that it only takes two things. First, don't ever say anything that Tarzan couldn't say. Second, for every question or statement you make about yourself you should ask or make two about her. Here's an example.

    Wantin Some: Hi. You look good.
    Dumb Girl: Me?
    Wantin Some: Yeah. :D
    Dumb Girl: TY :)
    Wantin Some: V^vv^V Howlzzzzz V^vv^V
    (uncomfortable pause)
    Wantin Some: You smell good too.
    Dumb Girl: Oh! You are so clever. Can I be your sub?
    Wantin Some: Call Me Master.
    Dumb Girl: Yes Master!

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posted by Heartun Breaker @ 9:35 PM   2 comments
Thursday, June 7, 2007
I Am Not An Animal (I Just Want To F**k Them)


HEY HEARTUN~ I heard that Second Life had a lot of fetish groups, that's why I joined. In the real world I am into beasteality, (sic) but I would like a more socially acceptable outlet for my proclivity. I've tried joining in with some 'Furries' but they all seem to reject me because my avatar looks like I really do, human.

They all seem to want me to put on a Furry suit, but that's not my thing. Where do I find animals in Second Life who want to play animals... and play with me as I am? ~ BEAST RIDER


DEAR BEAST RIDER~ It is true that the majority of Furries out there want to engage in a fantasy of both being animalistic and being WITH an animalistic avatar played by someone with a similar interest. But I don't think you are correct in your early conclusion that Furries won't take you as you are. Be polite. Perhaps mention your particular interest in your biography in as PG terms as possible. And be patient.

On a personal note, I hope you find what you are looking for in Second Life because it just turns my stomach thinking of you playing out your fantasy elsewhere. I'm not particularly judgmental about fetishes, but I do not condone any that don't have full consent by all parties, and animals in real life cannot consent. Fortunately, the ones in SL can (assuming that Linden Lab keeps out the underaged, as they should.) ~ HEARTUN BREAKER

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posted by Heartun Breaker @ 7:04 AM   0 comments
Sunday, June 3, 2007
Mixed Metaphores

HEY HEARTUN~ I am a gay male furry, but I had to hide out from some drama that erupted around my primary account so I made an Alt. Just to hang out where no one knew me I started going to (a Gorean sim) and I met (name withheld) who is a kajira.

At first I was just hanging out with her, and using her as cover, but she showed me a side of herself that I don't think she meant to... I think she is really a guy too. The thing is, I don't know if "she" is gay or not and I think that what we have is really special. How do I sort all this out? ~ HOT DOG


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DEAR HOT DOG ~ Normally I would say that honesty is the best policy, but you've passed that one a long time ago. Besides, do you really want to hook up with this person in real life? I mean, you don't indicate that you do... and you seem happy with both fantasies that you are playing out: the game one and the one in your head.

If you need to convince yourself that a nice submissive Gorean girl is really a guy in kajira's clothing to get your 'happy fun time' on -- why let reality interfere with that? And if it is a guy behind those veils, who is to say that he/she wants you to be a gay furry?

I say enjoy that ride until it crashes to the ground in a messy heap, just don't do anything to derail it prematurely. ~ HEARTUN BREAKER

If you have a question for "Get A Life" just email HeartunBreaker@gmail.com . All submissions become the property of
HeartunBreaker.com .  We reserve the right to edit submissions for brevity and clarity. No 'real' or 'game' names will be published. No part of this service may be reproduced in any form without the express written permission of Heartun Breaker, except that an individual may download and/or forward articles via e-mail to a reasonable number of recipients for personal, non-commercial purposes. 

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posted by Heartun Breaker @ 8:43 PM   1 comments
Monday, May 28, 2007
Saphic Sophisticate Asks "Want 2 Fuck?"

HEY HEARTUN ~ This question isn't really for me; rather its for all those young men who think its cool to cross dress and look for lesbians. I'm a lesbian (online only) and am often recreating at the Isle of Lesbos. The other night this female avatar called (real name substituted with 'Betty') showed up and yelled "Hey, NE1 want 2 fuck?"

Needless to say the 40 girls present responded with LOL's and LMAO's but Betty was serious. With her noobie sandals and Orientation Island stock avatar (the brunette one) it was pretty clear that Betty was an alt. And her behavior made it clear she was really a young man, perhaps a boy. I never understood this kind of behavior, but Betty isn't alone. There are a lot of people out there like this. Do you have any advice for them? ~ SAPPHIC SOPHISTICATE


DEAR SAPPHIC SOPHISTICATE ~ My advice for young men wishing to trick lesbians into cybering with them is simple and two part: play dumb and be patient. The first should be easy for a young stud with the lesbo fetish -- just stand around, maybe with a dance animation loop, and occasionally ask for help. Lesbians love to help noobs, and they'll shower them with tons of nice used clothing, skins and hair. In a short time our young stud will be moulded into a hottie-buh-body avatar by a woman who really knows what looks good.

That requires some patience on our young man's part, but the payoff is worth it. Now that he is properly attired, and has had a fashion maven fawning over him for a while, her friends will find him irresistable. He just has to shut up and not let on that he is a boy. They'll all try to bed him behind each other's backs.

Now, lets deal with the 500 pound gorilla in the room. You say you are a lesbian, but only online. How is that any less devious and deceiving than the young man pretending to be a lesbian? And if you aren't pretending in Second Life, then you are pretending in First Life... and that is even more disturbing. ~ HEARTUN BREAKER

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If you have a question for "Get A Life" just email HeartunBreaker@gmail.com . All submissions become the property of HeartunBreaker.com . We reserve the right to edit submissions for brevity and clarity. No 'real' or 'game' names will be published. No part of this service may be reproduced in any form without the express emailed permission of Heartun Breaker, except that an individual may download and/or forward articles via email to a reasonable number of recipients for personal, non-commercial purposes.

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posted by Heartun Breaker @ 7:35 AM   0 comments
Friday, May 4, 2007
Mommy And Daddy Plus Babby Makes -- Five!

HEY HEARTUN I have made some choices that have made my second life more complicated than my first life could ever be. I met this guy off the rebound from my girlfriend leaving Second Life. He's a decent guy and well I let things get hot and heavy and I quickly sold him on the idea of being exclusively mine. Well things went well we then one day I surprised him with an SL pregnancy, which took him aback but after a short while he really got into the idea.

Then I met this girl. She was outgoing, exciting and very charismatic. We started Instant Messaging each other and spending a lot of time together -- shopping -- you know, the usual things. It was all innocent till she took me to this store that sold cages...yes I said cages. It was filled with BDSM toys and various things of that sort. I was very apprehensive at first as I had never imagined those sort of activities in my life. Well, that quickly took a spin, we were fooling around with the cages and what not, just being silly, then in response to something she said I told her that I was never really the controlling type. I told her that I had always just followed the instructions and lead of others.


That took the cake right there. This girl knew what she had to do from that point on. She started giving me orders -- orders that were quite bizarre to me but for some reason I couldn't stop and didn't seem to want to. I really got into being, as she called me, her "pet".

This relationship started taking me over until two days ago when for the first time the situation got sexual with this girl and her girlfriend walked in on us. Then my guilt started eating me up and I knew I just had to tell my boyfriend about this. I wrote him a nice long notecard explaining all the lies I had told him and what I had done and wouldn’t you know it, the sod wasn’t even angry! All he said was that he knew that I had enjoyed girls before and he understood. He continued in his reply telling me that he had had BDSM experiences and had enjoyed dominatrix behaviours. He also made it clear that he would enjoy watching and participating in my actions with other women. While I know his reply wasn't bad -- it sort of disappointed me. Here's why.

  1. I lied to him. Should my deceitful actions be dismissed that quickly?
  2. I think subconsciously I have lost interest in my relations with him -- or men in general. I don’t know maybe I am just lost.
  3. I think the fact that he wants to join in these other activities with me has turned me off him. For some reason I don’t understand, this being dominated activity that I have gotten into only seems to arouse me with women and very select few at that.


I don’t know what I have done other than complicate my SL life and been deceitful and I am not so sure what I am seeking right now but maybe this whole story can be summed up into one question. Should I leave this man or should I leave both the man and the woman and start entirely a new? ~ MOTHERHOOD BOUND


DEAR MOTHERHOOD BOUND ~ That lesbianic bondage love can sure have a strong allure, but you should have thought about that before you decided to get pregnant. Right now your virtual hormones are all over the map -- and there's no way you can make such an important decision in your condition.

Wait till you have the baby to decide, then do what is best for the baby. And if that involves ditching the dude make sure to be generous in your visitation arrangment with him. ~ HEARTUN BREAKER

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If you have a question for "Get A Life" just email HeartunBreaker@gmail.com . All submissions become the property of
HeartunBreaker.com .  We reserve the right to edit submissions for brevity and clarity. No 'real' or 'game' names will be published. No part of this service may be reproduced in any form without the express written permission of Heartun Breaker, except that an individual may download and/or forward articles via e-mail to a reasonable number of recipients for personal, non-commercial purposes. 

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posted by Heartun Breaker @ 7:03 AM   1 comments
Monday, February 26, 2007
To Serve (wo)Man

HEY HEARTUN ~ Please, Miss, do not start my letter off with "Hey Heartun." Even when i am not role playing i would never say that. Why i am writing is that i am very subservient and i like strong women. i went to the Isle of Lesbos -- oh, yeah, i am male -- and offered myself to anyone who wanted me as thier servent but no one seemed to take me seriously. Some even accused me of trying to pick up women -- but i'm not looking for sex, just a woman to order me around. ~ AT YOUR SERVICE

DEAR AT YOUR SERVICE ~ Yeah, technically you are not violating the rules there at the Isle of Lesbos. They allow men so long as the men don't hit on women and expect to 'get lucky.' But you picked the Isle of Lesbos! I mean, why not hang out in a Welcome Area or a fishing villiage or a racetrack?

Also, when you say you offered yourself to anyone who wants you -- well, that isn't a great sales technique. You no doubt sounded needy. I'm sure the "Hey, I'm here... lets party!" technique of picking up a fetish partner works fine if you're in a fetish where things are largely equal and there are other people looking for what you've got. Heterosexuals, homosexuals and Furries seem to have a fairly equal volume of compliments -- but the sad truth is that many fetishes do not have equal counterparts.

If you are into pretending to be a big baby, and you like women, you're going to have to stand in line. Like being a sub? Also stand in line -- or be willing to share. Into Scat or Water Sports? There are far more receivers than givers.

What you're doing is a longshot too, although not impossible. You may not be into sex, but you ARE going to an island looking for a woman and you picked a whole island of women who are also looking for women -- not you. Then you went and threw out your appeal broadly (no pun) and probably too soon when you should have just sat there and waited. Of course no one was interested when you said something like "I want to be the slave/servant/sub of any woman here." You were confirming that you are a guy looking for a girl on Lesbos, and trust me -- they've seen that before. Also, when you give someting away for free and offer it to everyone without first raising that thing's value you are devaluing it completely.

I'd recommend that you go elsewhere to look for your Mistress. Failing that, if you are insistant about staying on Lesbos with your quest you should sit there and be quiet -- for a few weeks. Think like a petitioner to a Shaolin temple -- kneel quietly and only speak when spoken to. Watch others for hours. If asked, tell the questioner that you are looking for someone to serve in a non-sexual way. Be ready for rejection, but with patience -- grasshopper -- you could eventually find someone who wants to take you home to clean her windows. ~ HEARTUN BREAKER

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If you have a question for "Get A Life" just email HeartunBreaker@gmail.com . All submissions become the property of
HeartunBreaker.com .  We reserve the right to edit submissions for brevity and clarity. No 'real' or 'game' names will be published. No part of this service may be reproduced in any form without the express written permission of Heartun Breaker, except that an individual may download and/or forward articles via e-mail to a reasonable number of recipients for personal, non-commercial purposes. 

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posted by Heartun Breaker @ 9:19 PM   0 comments
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
What the Hell is a "Transgender Lesbian?"

HEY HEARTUN ~ I was hanging out in Waterhead the other day and someone invited me to join this group called Hot Lesbo Accountants. Well, I'm not a lesbian.. I'm just a dude. Thing is the person who invited me is a dude too!

So I ask him what the hell is going on and stuff, and one thing leads to another, and he starts in with the claim that he is a 'transgender lesbian' -- a term I had never heard of before.

What the hell is a 'transgender lesbian?' ~ STRAIGHT DUDE


DEAR STRAIGHT DUDE ~ You think furries, goreans, scat lovers and privists face derision by others? Try being a male lesbian or transgender lesbian. The first is a guy who looks like a guy but loves girl-on-girl action -- the other believes he is a lesbian trapped in a man's body and wants to be treated as a girl. Either way, both the straight and GayBLT (gay, bi, lesbian, transgender) communities tend to think this guy is a freak. Here's how a typical transgender lesbian pick-up attempt goes here in Second Life.


    TGLdude: Hi! I'm a transgender lesbian!

    Lesbian: WTF?

    TGLdude: I'm a lesbian trapped in a guy's body in real life, but here in Second Life I get to be who I really am -- a lesbian.

    Lesbian: So you're a guy?

    TGLdude: Well, not really. I love women and am grossed out by penises. I'm a lesbian all the time inside.

    Lesbian: Go get therapy you freak. You're a dude who likes women. You are straight!


Second Life makes these kinds of things common. I mean, it is widely believed that half of the women working as strippers, 'escorts' and in other aspects of the sex trade are really men pretending to be women. What is the difference between a guy pretending to be a woman so he can make some money, or because he gets off on the illicit sex and one who thinks he is really a woman on the inside? It's all in the eye of the beholder. But most of the rest of the world sees transgender lesbians and male lesbians as straight guys who are into lesbians.

I write it all down to role playing. At least the guy you talked with was honest, if creepy. ~ HEARTUN BREAKER

--

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HeartunBreaker.com . We reserve the right to edit submissions for brevity and clarity. No 'real' or 'game' names will be published. No part of this service may be reproduced in any form without the express written permission of Heartun Breaker, except that an individual may download and/or forward articles via e-mail to a reasonable number of recipients for personal, non-commercial purposes.

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posted by Heartun Breaker @ 11:47 PM   0 comments
Monday, February 19, 2007
Spat For Spice Ends Honeymoon

HEY HEARTUN ~ I met this woman in Second life and we were 100 percent compatible. I honestly love her. One night I decided to spice things up by getting naughty and picking a fight with her. It backfired big time! She got really upset. I tried to explain, but she didn't believe me. When I told her that I love her she really flipped out! (We are both married in real life, to others)

So now she's muted me and I have no other way of communicating with her. If I can't get her back I am going to publicly commit Second Life suicide by deleting this account. ~BOBBYBROWN ROMEO


DEAR BOBYBROWN ROMEO ~ Let me get this straight... you intentionally picked a fight with your baby so you could get your rocks off better, didn't tell her that this was a role play scenario for you, and are surprised that she got hurt and left you?

I don't know if anything I tell you could possibly make sense to you because if sense were gasoline you wouldn't have enough gas to ride a pissants motorcycle around the INSIDE of a Cheerio! The phrase "OMG You Are Dumb" was invented for you. Your kind make me sick.

Forget about the SL 'suicide' and do the real thing if you can't get this woman back. And about that? Clean up your own messes. I'm here to help people who don't intentionally bring shit down on themselves. You asshole. ~ HEARTUN BREAKER

--

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HeartunBreaker.com .  We reserve the right to edit submissions for brevity and clarity. No 'real' or 'game' names will be published. No part of this service may be reproduced in any form without the express written permission of Heartun Breaker, except that an individual may download and/or forward articles via e-mail to a reasonable number of recipients for personal, non-commercial purposes. 

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posted by Heartun Breaker @ 9:57 AM   0 comments
Thursday, February 15, 2007
How Much Cybering Is Too Much?

HEY HEARTUN ~ How much cybering is too much? ~ HANDY MAN


DEAR HANDY MAN ~ For me, three times a day is the limit. Four is too much. Your mileage may vary.



Now in men, stroking the one-eyed trouser snake too much can result in an over production of sex hormones and neurotransmitters like acetylcholine, dopamine and serotonin.

Too much of those things and your adrenal glands can change your body chemistry. Now, jerkin' the gerkin is a healthy thing, but too much (while hard to define) can lead to addiction and both psychological and physiological imbalances. Side effects to look for include:

  • Feeling tired all the time
  • Lower back pain
  • Hair loss or thinning
  • Pulling the "Semi" (or half-rection)
  • Premature ejaculation (by yourself!!)
  • Fuzzy vision (not blindness)
  • Pain in the balls, taint, nut sack, tail bone or lower tummy


Semen leakage is also a sign that the parasympathetic nerve is weakening from over stimulation. The parasympathetic nerve shuts the ejaculation valve and maintains a strong erection, but it can weaken if you choke your chicken too much.

Experts say men should keep their ejaculation frequency down to two-to-three times per week, but they can have more sexual activity if they learn how to orgasm without ejaculation. Doing so can make your junk work better too.


Some things you can do to improve the quality of your monkey-spanking sessions is to reduce the frequency, eat more soybean products, cut down on the caffeine, snack on more nutty foods like sunflower seeds, drop the red meat and dairy in favor of fruit and veggies.

Drink more water and ditch the soda. And just in case you ever get a real-life girl to honk on your love muscle - eat peaches and cut down on the salt so it tastes better. ~ HEARTUN BREAKER

--

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HeartunBreaker.com . We reserve the right to edit submissions for brevity and clarity. No 'real' or 'game' names will be published. No part of this service may be reproduced in any form without the express written permission of Heartun Breaker, except that an individual may download and/or forward articles via e-mail to a reasonable number of recipients for personal, non-commercial purposes.

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posted by Heartun Breaker @ 3:57 PM   0 comments
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Leave Her or Love Her -- Those Are Your Choices

HEY HEARTUN ~ My first online love affair ended on what was supposed to be my wedding day -- and I never saw it coming. I got a 'dear Avatar' note card and no real explanation. I was hurt and confused. After that I was cautious for a long time.

Then I met 'her.' We were friends first, doing everything -- fishing, killing monsters, racing cars, clubbing, shopping and spending quiet time at home -- the last one being her favorite, and I like it too! She's even moved into my place and we share a garden at another location. It's been wonderful to log in and have someone there for me.

The problem is I feel like I'm trapped. Every time I log on to Second Life I'm immediately greeted by and I feel smothered. I have lots of friends that I've introduced her to, so we now share the same friends, and I'm constantly asked where she's at if she is not with me.

Before we met, I loved to explore new places and I haven't done that in a long time. She seems like she has a specific agenda but she's not talking. To make it worse, she lives in Australia and has limited bandwidth -- she can't rezz quickly after teleporting, she has inventory problems and several other frustrating issues.

This kind of stuff happens a lot and I feel obliged to keep her company. I've tried helping her overcome the connectivity issues but because of her remote location -- those issues are here to stay.

Heartun, I think I'm having connection problems as well. ~ TAINTED LOVE


DEAR TAINTED LOVE ~ Rebound love is a sweet thing, but like cotton candy -- it can make you sick if you get too much. You've found yourself a nice girl, and you love her for all the right reasons -- but you fell in love on the rebound. That really sucks, for the both of you.

She senses in you the need for something more, and she's trying to fill that need by occupying your every moment. She'll try to be online all the time just so she doesn't miss you. She'll hang out with your (now) mutual friends when you are not there so she can better understand you and please you vicariously through your friends. Her whole world revolves around you, because she can tell she is somehow inadequate.

The real shame here is that she IS a nice girl. And you two were REALLY friends... but 'friends with benefits' turned into friends who won't leave after the party is over.

It sucks, but you've got to let her know -- in no uncertain terms -- what you feel for her. Let her know that you need some space. Tell her you don't see the two of you together 10 years from now and she deserves better. Give her the "it's not you, its me" speech... but leave her or love her. Those are your choices. ~ HEARTUN BREAKER

--

If you have a question for "Get A Life" just email HeartunBreaker@gmail.com . All submissions become the property of
HeartunBreaker.com . We reserve the right to edit submissions for brevity and clarity. No 'real' or 'game' names will be published. No part of this service may be reproduced in any form without the express written permission of Heartun Breaker, except that an individual may download and/or forward articles via e-mail to a reasonable number of recipients for personal, non-commercial purposes.

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posted by Heartun Breaker @ 9:39 PM   0 comments
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
The 5 Minute Virtual Relationship

(Name Withheld): hi, your avatar is pretty cute
(Name Withheld): what are u doing for live
(Name Withheld): living

Heartun Breaker: I am a high school teacher. You?

(Name Withheld): i deall with cloth i inport them

Heartun Breaker: That sounds very cool. Business is fascinating.

(VERY LONG PAUSE)

Heartun Breaker: Hey, I'm sure your friends think you are awesome... but you take too long to answer, don't say much about yourself in your bio, and are boreing the hell out of me.

(Name Withheld): hey am here just checking my mail

Heartun Breaker: This relationship is stifiling me... I NEED OUT! Gahhhhh!

(Name Withheld): what??????

Heartun Breaker: I'm so sorry... but I'm dumping you. Please, it isn't you... it's me. Lets still be friends, huh?

(Name Withheld): dumping?

Heartun Breaker: and I want my stuff back, but I don't want to see you ... so put it in a box and send it through a friend. And I'd better see my favorite tshirt... you know that one you like to sleep in? If you don't give it back you'll never see that earring you left at my place! I swear, I'll flush it right down the toilet!

(Name Withheld): hey what do u mean?

Heartun Breaker: You're always arguing with me. I swear, you're just like your mother! Criticizing me, and arguing with me... that's all you two do. I just can't stand it any more. I'd rather chew my own arm off than have to hear your negative crap any more! OMG, just send my stuff back. I love that Led Zepplin t-shirt!

(Name Withheld): hey do u want to buy it?

Heartun Breaker: I can't believer you! Trying to SELL me my own Led Zepplin t-shirt? What unmitigated gall!
Heartun Breaker: You never even LIKED Led Zepplin! I always had to listen to that Jay Z crap too.... oh, and Snoop Dog? Jesus fucking hell!

(Name Withheld): did u know me before?

Heartun Breaker: Before that night in Toronto? At the film festival when we fell in love.. in a drunken night of debochery? No. And now, looking back, I wish we had never broken into Vince Vaughn's hotel suite and short sheeted his bed and put cellophane over his toilet seat. (Name Withheld), I so loved you then... I knew we were RIGHT for eachother... and you went and spoiled it all.

(Name Withheld): are u full?

Heartun Breaker: Now you're saying I 'm full of shit! Jesus girl, just give me back my fucking Led Zepplin shirt. Why are you so mean?
Heartun Breaker: My god, I got my nipples pierced for you!
Heartun Breaker: And I don't even LIKE piercings!

(Name Withheld): what do mean with all this shit?

Heartun Breaker: You never did understand me!

(Name Withheld): okay

(Name Withheld): what do u mean thebn?

Heartun Breaker: thebn?

(Name Withheld): i mean then?

(Name Withheld): do u know me before

Heartun Breaker: I don't feel that I know you at all... not even now.

(Name Withheld): so then what are u talking about

Heartun Breaker:I'm talking about US... I'm talking about LOVE... I' talking about what COULD HAVE BEEN!!! Why do you torture me like this?

(Name Withheld): like how

Heartun Breaker:Like how? Like, you are holding my Led Zepplin shirt "hostage" to get back at me for loving you too much! How about that "like how"?

(Name Withheld): should i send u some shirt?

Heartun Breaker: "Some" shirt? What do you mean "some" shirt? Did you ... did you LOSE my Led Zepplin shirt? Oh... MY.... GOD!!!!

(VERY LONG PAUSE)

Heartun Breaker: What? Now the silent treatment? Fuck you!! Fuck you!!! Fuck you!! FUCK YOU!!!! You Led Zepplin hating WHORE!!!! You'll never see that earring. And those movies I took of us are going up on the fucking web!!

(Name Withheld): hey ill call fbi for u if u dont stop it

Heartun Breaker: Just give me back my Led Zepplin shirt. Please?

(Name Withheld): when did i take t from ypou?
(Name Withheld): talk to me
(Name Withheld): because i dont realy know what nis wrong with you
(Name Withheld): i guess you must be crazy

Heartun Breaker: We could have been so good for each other. Who would have expected it to end like this?






--

If you have a question for "Get A Life" just email HeartunBreaker@gmail.com . All submissions become the property of
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posted by Heartun Breaker @ 6:38 PM   8 comments
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Gor Gal Pal Turns Second Life Stalker Nightmare

HEY HEARTUN ~ I'm going freaking (can I say 'fucking' here?) nuts! I have been at Second Life for about two months now and when I first got here (oh, I'm really 27 and male from Cincinnati and am a banker) I played around with Gor for a while. It didn't stick, but this girl I met in Ko-Ro-Ba really DID stick, if you know what I mean.

Hey, I'm sorry I came on all strong with her and all. I was recently out of a divorce and new to all this online crap. Anyway, when I broke it off with her I tried to explain that I just wasn't comfortable with where were were going and that she was a nice girl -- but I just got in too fast and too deep. At first she seemed to take it well, but then I noticed that when I was at some of my favorite hangouts she would just be there watching me. I muted her, but she knows where I hang out.

Yesterday while I was playing Tringo at the IceDragon (shout out to mah peeps! woot!) she was sitting behind me! Worse than that she IMs people I know and asks them to forward messages to me. I can't ditch this alt, because I have a lot of friends now. And I don't think its right that I gotta stop going to my regular hang outs. What the hell? ~ REBOUND LOTHARIO

DEAR REBOUND LOTHARIO ~ What is it about Gor that attracts you post-divorce idiots? (Note to Goreans opening emails now: The prior statement does not say all Goreans are post-divorce idiots... so cool your jets.)

Look at it from the girls perspective. She's needy and feels inadequate in her life and finds a very structured world where she is valued. Sometimes she is valued in exact terms by having a blue book value in the Gorean slave market. Other times she is valued for performing hours of loving labor like sweeping a house or doing dishes. Men want her! And she never has to think for herself, which makes her feel good. Then you show up, pretend to see that special "her" that no one else can see -- and now doing the dishes doesn't quite hold the same attraction for her that it once did.

Then you back away. Why wouldn't she stalk the shit out of you? You practically begged for it!

You say you don't want to ditch your current avatar's account so you can take this one of two ways. The mature thing to do is to ignore her and wait for her to just go away. If she's ignored, you know she eventually will withdraw to some place safe -- like Gor. Then there's the Gorean way o ditching her.

Start playing in Ko-Ro-Ba. Make up with her. Enslave her. Then sell her to someone who won't allow her to talk with you. As I understand it she would have to obey her new master or be subjected to group punishment. ~ HEARTUN BREAKER

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If you have a question for "Get A Life" just email HeartunBreaker@gmail.com . All submissions become the property of
HeartunBreaker.com . We reserve the right to edit submissions for brevity and clarity. No 'real' or 'game' names will be published. No part of this service may be reproduced in any form without the express written permission of Heartun Breaker, except that an individual may download and/or forward articles via e-mail to a reasonable number of recipients for personal, non-commercial purposes.

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posted by Heartun Breaker @ 6:36 PM   0 comments
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
"Give Me Your Heart": Go Fish!

HEY HEARTUN ~ I'm a guy and supposed to be into guy like things, and fishing stereotypically falls into that category -- but ever since my girlfriend has taken up with virtual fishing at Neo-Realms Fishing Camp in Alston. She's freaking addicted!! I can't stand how boooorrrrrreeeeeing it is to hang out with her there. I mean, she stands there with a fishing rod and every once in a while a "fish" gets dumped into her inventory. She gets so excited when she gets a new kind of fish, but she doesn't do anything with them! WTF?

We used to hang out at this cool club where we met. Now she drags me to this fish pond. I hate it! ~ BAIT HATE


DEAR BAIT HATE ~ I'm trying to figure out how you built up so much anger. I'm guessing one of two things: either you complain a lot or you don't ever complain. They sound like opposites, but they're two sides of the same coin. If you are always going on and on to your girlfriend about the many things that bother you -- you are frustrated because she stopped listening to you a long time ago. If you never complain, you also feel frustrated because she isn't listening to what you aren't saying.

Either way you have to engage her in a conversation where you let her know about your discomfort in an assertive but non-aggressive way. Start out with a bunch of "I" statements. Like "I am really bored when we fish all the time" and "I would like to go dancing with you more" or "I really don't like fishing and this isn't working for me." (DANGER: This last one is very close to a threat. Do NOT threaten her. Under no circumstances should you say anything along the lines of "I really don't like fishing and will leave you if you keep doing it." Threats don't work.)

She may not listen at first because this kind of talk from you will be new to her. If after hearing you she can't give you what you need in this relationship -- throw her back. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. ~ HEARTUN BREAKER

--

If you have a question for "Get A Life" just email HeartunBreaker@gmail.com . All submissions become the property of
HeartunBreaker.com . We reserve the right to edit submissions for brevity and clarity. No 'real' or 'game' names will be published. No part of this service may be reproduced in any form without the express written permission of Heartun Breaker, except that an individual may download and/or forward articles via e-mail to a reasonable number of recipients for personal, non-commercial purposes.

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posted by Heartun Breaker @ 10:38 PM   2 comments
Sunday, February 4, 2007
My Love Hates Me, and All I Can Do Is Listen

HEY HEARTUN ~ I never thought I would be writing you, but I am (forgive me) heartbroken. I started playing Second Life about a year ago and met the love of my life right away. (Name withheld) and I had a love sweeter than any. We exchanged (real life) contact information, and while we didn't talk about hooking up (in real life) we were headed there.


Our SL wedding was going to be a blow out. I spent far more RL money than I care to admit, but (name withheld) helped out with what I TOLD him it cost and all the details were taken care of. All our friends were invited. We registered on SLExchange. We bought a place in Ravenglass. Our new home was to be a Barnesworth original.

I don't remember everything involved, though, because I lost a lot of my memory surrounding the week or so before my RL car accident. When I got home from the hospital I found his many emails, phone messages and snail-mail letters. The early ones were worried, then pleading, then angry... then none.

We had partnered a few weeks before the wedding, but when I finally came back to the game after three months in intensive care and rehabilitation we were no longer partners. This was like four months ago. He has had me on 'mute' ever since and dropped me from his friends list altogether. Most of our mutual friends sided with him and don't believe me. I've asked several to explain what happened to me to him but I don't think they did.

So I got on with my life and thought I was over the pain when I ran into him the other day at NeoRealms fishing camp in Alston and I had to listen to him curse me out and say the meanest things to me... all the while he has me muted so I can't tell him what happened. I have been crying all the time since then. He hates me. I love him, and I can't tell him. Oh Heartun, I'm so sad! ~ MUTED LOVE



DEAR MUTED LOVE ~ Well, you can't blame the guy. I mean, that story of yours -- IF it is for real -- is a cliche right out of Leo McCarey's 1957 film "An Affair To Remember" with Cary Grant and Deborah Kerr. I mean, Kerr's character Terry McKay has nothing on you!

Boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy hates girl, girl lives in quiet misery. It's a tear jerker!! (Kind readers, if you haven't seen it get some tissues and NetFlix this movie.)

So you've gotten to the part of the movie where Kerry Grant's character Nickie Ferrante comes into her room and calls her all kinds of names, and she just sucks it up. Only you HAVE to suck it up because you can't talk with him when he has you on mute. Do I have this right so far? Good.

But you forgot. You have his email address, his snail-mail address and his phone number. Mail him your hospital bill. If he doesn't catch on and come running into your arms just continue on with your life -- because this isn't a movie. There aren't always happy endings to story book beginnings. ~ HEARTUN BREAKER

--

If you have a question for "Get A Life" just email HeartunBreaker@gmail.com . All submissions become the property of
HeartunBreaker.com . We reserve the right to edit submissions for brevity and clarity. No 'real' or 'game' names will be published. No part of this service may be reproduced in any form without the express written permission of Heartun Breaker, except that an individual may download and/or forward articles via e-mail to a reasonable number of recipients for personal, non-commercial purposes.

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posted by Heartun Breaker @ 10:06 PM   0 comments
Saturday, February 3, 2007
Second Life Is Like An Acid Trip

HEY HEARTUN ~ So, I have number of "friends" in SL who I find vaguely threatening. In real life I don't enjoy hanging around people who either ignore me or leave the room without looking at me or (who fail to respond) to me when I say "Hi, how are you today?"

So, the question is, why do I tolerate this behaviour in what is
supposed to be a game, and I assume(!) fun....?

How do others deal with the fickle nature of people in SL? With those who
virtually stalk you, then drop you? Is this normal behaviour?

I know I can just take them off my list, but for some reason I'm finding
this hard to do. Is SL making a victim of me? ~ BRUISED BETTY


DEAR BRUISED BETTY ~ Second Life is like LSD. If you are a well rounded and generally nice person when you are under its influence you will generally have an intensely nice experience. If you are an asshole, well... you become an intensified asshole. And good luck with that.

(NOTE: Don't do drugs. Drugs are bad, mmm-kay?)

In Second Life some people say "excuse me" when they bump into a strange avatar, some just keep on going. Why? Because they can. There are very few social social repercussions for bad behavior in SL. What? You gonna ban someone because they bumped you? Or didn't return a hearty 'Hello?' No.

"But Heartun, it just isn't right!" you say. I agree. But unlike you and me and a significant minority of humans on this planet, not everyone adheres to the generally accepted (but poorly defined, outside of Judith Martin) rules of behavior we call 'common courtesy.' Many people only do something if it has a direct and immediate benefit for them. They are engaged in some activity, they see you say "Hi" but they don't want to disturb what they are doing so they ignore you. Later they may see you and since they are bored and want to engage you in conversation they will track you down and attach themselves to you like a leach.

It's all about what is in it for them.

Not everyone is like this. And don't assume that someone exhibiting this behavior one time is necessarily that self centered -- they could be dealing with a RL potty emergency, or be engaged in IMs or surfing the web in another window to the exclusion of their SL presence. I think we all get trapped in that once in a while. But persistent friends of (their) convenience abound here. In real life they know that there would be consequences for ignoring your "Hi" as you pass in the halls at work... but there are no real consequences for them here.


Chinese General Sun Tzu said to "choose your friends well as your enemies will choose you." I think that applies to online "friends" as well. No, a non-friend is not necessarily an enemy, but they can drag down your sense of well being and enjoyment of your time here. Choose your friends well. Cull your Friends list often. If you are unsure about someone, don't worry about dropping them.

Good people will understand you are just trying to preserve your sense of fun here -- and you can always extend another friendship request. Just don't delete friendships while angry or in a hurry. Be fair in your periodic evaluation of your list. And it's OK to IM someone and give them the message "We haven't talked in a while. I'm cleaning up my Friends list and culling you. I enjoyed talking with you that one time. Please IM me if you want to hang out again." ~ HEARTUN BREAKER

--

If you have a question for "Get A Life" just email HeartunBreaker@gmail.com . All submissions become the property of
HeartunBreaker.com . We reserve the right to edit submissions for brevity and clarity. No 'real' or 'game' names will be published. No part of this service may be reproduced in any form without the express written permission of Heartun Breaker, except that an individual may download and/or forward articles via e-mail to a reasonable number of recipients for personal, non-commercial purposes.

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posted by Heartun Breaker @ 7:26 AM   1 comments
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Red Light District -- Blue Light Special

HEY HEARTUN ~ When I came to Second Life I looked around at a lot of jobs so I could make money so I could buy fancy clothes and a sweet little house. I started with pole dancing at a club. After a while I bought a nice enough skin and some animations and sexy clothing and I tried to be a model -- but I couldn't find anyone who wanted to pay me so I switched to being an escort.

I get clients, but most want to argue about my price -- which is amongst the lowest of any of the Escorts I know. Others want me to do gross stuff like AgePlay and Furies. What do I have to do to start making some real money instead of the chump change my patrons kick out? ~ IMA BARBIGURL


DEAR IMA BARBIGURL ~ A hot skin and a bunch of sexy animations do NOT a good whore make! The sex trade in Second Life is robust and a really good whore can get a ton of Linden for getting her (sometimes his) clients hot and bothered. But you have to paint a picture. The sexy pose balls and such are just props -- you gotta work hard for your money. You are selling fantasy.

First off, lets put aside this idea that you are having intercourse. You aren't. Virtual sex is assisted masturbation, sometimes assisted mutual masturbation. Seeing his avatar boinking your avatar is nice, but its the human element behind the avatars that excites him. You've got to find his fantasy first, then provide him with it. Best way to do that is to ask him up front. And you really have to listen, because being an escort is all about getting repeat business... and referrals.

When he starts telling you about his fantasy, listen carefully and ask leading questions that draw out more details. If you can do this in a quiet place with a casual setting, like a lounge or a bar, that'll help. Even if you are chatting in instant message, paint the picture. This is also a great time to discuss your pricing terms and to get paid. Just like real life this is a cash up front kind of business. A little haggling is allowed on his part but if he tries to beat down your price much you haven't sold him on your ability to satisfy his fantasy. Go back to the beginning and talk up your features and benefits.

When the preliminaries are taken care of go to your love shack and engage him in dialogue that acts out his fantasy. Be detailed. Tell him what you are doing to him. Tell him how what he is doing makes you feel. Be poetic and graphic all at the same time. Learn to pace things. If he busts a nut early, be kind and offer him a complimentary back-rub to enhance the value of the encounter. If he's up for it in a reasonable amount of time, give it another go.

--

If you have a question for "Get A Life" just email HeartunBreaker@gmail.com . All submissions become the property of
HeartunBreaker.com . We reserve the right to edit submissions for brevity and clarity. No 'real' or 'game' names will be published. No part of this service may be reproduced in any form without the express written permission of Heartun Breaker, except that an individual may download and/or forward articles via e-mail to a reasonable number of recipients for personal, non-commercial purposes.

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posted by Heartun Breaker @ 11:24 PM   1 comments
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
See You, See Me

HEY HEARTUN ~ Sex in Second Life never really attracted me, I mean it isn't really sex... you know? And ever since I divorced my second husband I just hadn't given a crap about involving anyone else in my pursuit of the 'Big O' -- you know?

But this guy I met the second day I was in Second Life talked me into getting a web cam. Have you ever used one of those? (giggles) He's half my age (still quite legal, I'm no spring chicken!) but we start off playing in SL and soon enough (giggles) we've got our web cams going too and we're pleasing ourselves and IT'S JUST SO DIRTY I COULD DIE! (giggles)

I'm a mid-40's mother of five! And he acts like I'm a goddess! Oh, and Heartun, he is soooo hot! I didn't date men this hot when I was younger and looked my best. ~ DIRTY MILFSTER

DEAR DIRTY MILFSTER ~ First off, just because you sag here and there doesn't make you too old for sex. The only organ required for good sex is the brain, the rest are certainly nice -- but totally not necessary if you can get turned on by someone (or by yourself!)

It sounds like you've got two issues going on here: you dig being a dirty, dirty girl and you are completely flattered that a hot young guy appears to dig you.

First, let me say that you are a dirty, dirty girl. Maybe you should ask your boy to punish you. He may be old enough to play, but may not know how to take charge and the art of being dirty involves dominance. So urge him to give you little tasks. If he can't come up with something, try to hint that it would be sexy if he were to order you to go to work in a skirt an no undies -- and send him an email or an IM from your workplace about how it feels. Urge him to take charge and to challenge your comfort zone.

Second, you seem to be surprised that a pretty young man would be turned on by a woman who's been there and done that. Don't be. This guy may not be in it for the long haul, but is that a bad thing? I mean, enjoy him until you find better or he loses interest! This is just good sex play! Young men aren't often faithful, but some of them are smart enough to know a good thing when they see it -- and you are so sexually repressed, bursting at the seams, served on a stick horny and ready to go you just scream 'fuck me hard!'

Have some fun. Don't hold back. ~ HEARTUN BREAKER

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If you have a question for "Get A Life" just email HeartunBreaker@gmail.com . All submissions become the property of
HeartunBreaker.com . We reserve the right to edit submissions for brevity and clarity. No 'real' or 'game' names will be published. No part of this service may be reproduced in any form without the express written permission of Heartun Breaker, except that an individual may download and/or forward articles via e-mail to a reasonable number of recipients for personal, non-commercial purposes.

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posted by Heartun Breaker @ 10:55 PM   0 comments
Monday, January 22, 2007
Therian Asks: "I Followed Him, Do I Let Him Know?"

HEY MATTIE ~ I'm a 27-year-old female, working as a cashier in TN. I've been playing There for years with the same partner.

My man, (name withheld), started playing Second Life about six months ago. I don't think he came here to have an affair, but he kept the same name. I came here looking for him, but I didn't keep the same name and I know where he is because of his picks. How do I get the spark back in our thing? And do I tell him who I am? ~ BEEN THERE


DEAR BEEN THERE ~ I wouldn't tell him. I'd be afraid he'd think I was insecure and that I was stalking him to find out the secrets he's been hiding from me.

There are several ways you can go about this. Obviously, you can approach him anonymously and try to "spark" a new relationship. But if he ditches the There you for the Second life you -- is it rejection? How would you deal with that mess? And what if he ditched you alltogether if he finds out the truth?

A wiser person than me would tell him the truth. At least the part about who you are. Then explain that you might like to get to know him in SL as well, hoping maybe you can find that thing together that you were missing in your real relationship.

All-in-all, I would wish you the best of luck in any approach you take. But the best solution tends to lie in openness and honesty, in my opinion, because when he sees that you can accept him for who he is, regardless of what he's done in the past, or what you've done in your past, he will love you more and you will grow to love him more yourself. ~ MATTIE SWAIN

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If you have a question for "Get A Life" just email HeartunBreaker@gmail.com . All submissions become the property of
HeartunBreaker.com .  We reserve the right to edit submissions for brevity and clarity. No 'real' or 'game' names will be published. No part of this service may be reproduced in any form without the express written permission of Heartun Breaker, except that an individual may download and/or forward articles via e-mail to a reasonable number of recipients for personal, non-commercial purposes. 

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posted by Heartun Breaker @ 1:37 PM   0 comments
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Sex, Drugs and Gay Fur

HEY HEARTUN ~ I'm a homosexual who lives in Montana -- land of cowboys and intolerance -- and I live with my parents while I go to college. I want to get the hell out of this square, underpopulated, shit hole some day but for now I'm kind of stuck here. There are no gay bars or hangouts here. My only real outlet for my sexuality is here in Second Life, where I am a Gay Furry.

When I first joined I was such a slut! But since then I've settled down a bit and have had a couple of semi-monogamous relationships, one of which I am in now. This new guy knows some of my real life contact information too -- a post office box I keep for personal stuff. And he sends me Viagra and meth to enhance our sexual play. First I just tried the Viagra, and LOVE it!! but had been afraid to try the meth. My curiosity won out though, and I was blown away. The experience, especially when combined with Viagra, sex toys, and prolonged sexual play both on SL and through web cams, is absolutely amazing.

Now my lover is pushing to meet up in real life, something I'm not really comfortable with -- but he has the Viagra and meth, and I do like him even though I don't know that I trust him that much. I feel very vulnerable, but this is amazingly exciting! ~ MALE ORDER BRIDE


DEAR MALE ORDER BRIDE ~ When I was in college I used to take my vacations and go cross country hitchhiking to visit friends and explore America. It was exciting! I got an incredible adrenaline rush whenever a stranger pulled over to pick me up. Most of the people I encountered were really quite nice and often very interesting. Unfortunately, a few were not nice at all.

It was a steep and painful learning curve, but I quickly learned to go with my gut right away. If someone pulled over to pick me up and in that 10 seconds we size each other up as I open the door and say "How far you going?" they -- in any way -- made me uncomfortable, I would back off. Many times I couldn't even put a finger on what it was about them that was unsettling. Often, like this one time on I-65 just north of Birmingham, Ala., I knew I was looking into the eyes of a serial killer or rapist.

Every time I said "Thanks for pulling over, but I think I'll pass" the driver knew I was basically calling him a perv. All of them would curse me out at that point. I'm sure I misjudged some of them. But every single time, early on, that I ignored my initial gut reaction I quickly regretted it.

MOB, I'm not going to lecture you on the dangers of taking drugs. You are old enough to know that you are tap-dancing on thin ice with that anyway. But regarding a real life hook up with this guy -- give it a pass. Trust your gut. You all but said you think he's got a dangerous agenda, and lets face it -- he is sending you drugs through the mail and knows you are in a remote place with a big secret, and are highly vulnerable. If you can't ditch the drugs I'm sure you can find a new dealer, no place is so remote that drugs can't be found. ~ HEARTUN BREAKER

(NOTE: Not me in the photo)
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If you have a question for "Get A Life" just email HeartunBreaker@gmail.com . All submissions become the property of
HeartunBreaker.com . We reserve the right to edit submissions for brevity and clarity. No 'real' or 'game' names will be published. No part of this service may be reproduced in any form without the express written permission of Heartun Breaker, except that an individual may download and/or forward articles via e-mail to a reasonable number of recipients for personal, non-commercial purposes.

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posted by Heartun Breaker @ 1:34 PM   1 comments

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Disclaimer: All submissions to "Get a Life" become the property of HeartunBreaker.com. We reserve the right to edit submissions for brevity and clarity. No 'real' or 'game' names will be published. No part of this service may be reproduced in any form without the express written permission of Heartun Breaker, except that an individual may download and/ or forward articles via e-mail to a reasonable number of recipients for personal, non-commercial purposes.
 


 

 




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